Teetering on the Edge

I've always been on the plump-side. But during College, I did the typical College-girl thing--I quit eating. It wasn't a sudden thing where I decided to quit one morning and just did. Somehow, I gradually cut bits and pieces out of my meals until I was drinking a Coke for lunch and for supper I went to the restaurant where I worked and drank iced tea and ate lemon slices. Of course, I was aided by diet pills--legal speed. I lost weight, and I got a bit sick. It plays havoc with the immune system. Was I anorexic?  By the definition I was. It's a strange thing to go through. And I find myself on that teeter totter again. I spent the months after Christmas baking. A lot. My guys are both slim and need the extra calories just to maintain their weight. It's cheaper to bake than buy. I tried tons of new recipes. They were happy. I gained weight. Something clicked in my head a few weeks ago. This is coming off-- and then some. I mean, really clicked. I'm having a hard time making myself eat. The hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach feels natural-- again. No diet aids, this time, tho. My goal is to eat healthy--I've cut most of my carbs and I'm eating more fruit. It's a challenge, telling myself to eat something instead of telling myself not to eat something.